"Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?" -- Steven Wright

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."
-George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
-Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
-Bill Peterson, football coach

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
-Dan Quayle, US VP

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."
-Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"We are ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur."
-Dan Quayle

"If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-Brooke Shields

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
-Steve Martin

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-Dan Quayle

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
-Samual Goldwyn

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago..."
-Dan Quayle

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-Jason Kidd

"The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with being a woman."
-Rear Admiral James R. Hogg

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-Dan Quayle

"Antidotes are what you take to prevent dotes."
-Anon

STEVEN WRIGHT

I put Instant Coffee in a Microwave and went back in time.

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, 'Give me two boys and a girl'.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

Woody Allen

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible be like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I am at two with nature.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
 

Famous Last Words:

Gen. John Sedgewick:
Union commander in the American Civil War, shot at the Battle of Spotsylvania Court House in 1864 while looking over a parapet at the enemy lines
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."

"C'mon ya wimps, one more beer, it's open ocean out there, what're we gonna hit?" -- Captain Hazelwood, Exxon Valdez

"Luke, I lied. Bill Shatner is your real father."
-- Darth Vader

"A-four and a-three and a-two and a-one..." -- Lawrence Welk

"Don't worry about the Rover. That's no cliff." -- NASA techie

"And now that I'm running my life support equipment through Windows 95, I'll never have to worry about-- beeeeeeeep..."

"I eat guys like you for breakfast!" -- Jeffrey Dahmer

"How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that?" -- insect

"No, dude, this stuff is completely natural and safe, man. That's why it's called 'herbal.'"

"Dammit, Lizzie, get off your fat lazy ass and cut me some firewood!" -- Mr. Borden

"How many frickin' times do I have to say, 'In the form of a question', people?!?" -- Alex Trebek

"Yoko, why don't *you* try to sing one?"

"Took your parking space??? Well at least *I* didn't murder my wife and an innocent waiter!"

"Gotti, Schmotti -- Get the Hell off my lawn!"

GROUCHO MARX

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
Room service? Send up a larger room."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five."
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
Rodney Dangerfield.
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
Ellen DeGeners.
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
George Carlin.
"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
Paul Merton.
"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
Steve Martin.
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
Les Dawson.
"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..."
Steven Wright.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
George Burns.
"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
Marty Feldman.
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
Robin Williams.
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright.
"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
Johnny Carson.
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
Charlie Brown.
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman.
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
Jim Carrey.
"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
Emo Philips.
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett.
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison.
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy.
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
Spike Milligan.
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
Steven Wright.

"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."
Henry Youngman.
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
Emo Philips.
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
Steven Wright.
"My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
Eric Morecambe.